To The Stay At Home Moms Who Feel Like They Can Do Better
There is no rule book for the stay at home moms. We have different ideas of what a stay at home should do. What her house should look like. Some even have opinions how the children of a stay at home mother should behave. All the expectations are erroneous. We should never hold others to our own personal standards.
I wanted to write a cleaning post as I have not published one in a while but just felt wrong doing that. Right now my house is a mess. It's not my fault either but then again it is because it is my responsibility.
Every once a while you’ll see a nice blog post pop up from a well-intentioned mom blogger or writer trying to help validate the feeling we all have as moms which is that we are failing at something. There is a meme on Facebook. I cannot find it as of now. The gist was kids grow fast so let the vacuuming go. I hate how we shame mothers for having dirty homes but then when there’s a mother that wants to keep up with the messes we shame her for that too.
Then unspoken universal truth of motherhood is that once you're a stay at home mom your held to harsh and varying standards and it can be overwhelming. You will never please everyone. Your mother-in-law or your own mother. However the harshest critic is usually yourself or your spouse.
I have heard people say stay home moms don’t have a real job and they shouldn’t ask for people to recognize what they do as valid work. That we should not need help. The list goes on Ive heard hundred different crappy misconceptions. The truth is this what we do is valuable and if we were not here doing it, we would not have to pay someone else to step in for us. There’s a reason there’s daycare, dry cleaning, cleaning ladies, and Amazon Prime Now grocery delivery.
Your house will never be perfect because you will clean one mess and another one’s going pop right back up. When you get caught up with the laundry, a kid will clean their room and dump more laundry in the hamper. You will never win if you feel you must get everything done every day. Do not hold yourself to other peoples standards.
The reality is we are the ones that are home all day and we’re on the front lines. We are stopping to help our kids with their homework or changing diapers. Little things happen during the day. You might’ve intended on doing this or that and because life gets in the way some things we intend on doing today just won't happen and it’s disappointing.
Mom will come in last a lot. You will feel to satisfy one of your basic needs like eating or sleeping you have to neglect something else. You should never feel bad for that. Do the best you can. When you can try to steal a moment to decompress, do it. If you feel it is more important to do the dishes well, then wash them. Try cut yourself some slack. Do what you feel is more important.
I am a good mom. However, sometimes your family no matter how hard your try just will not pitch in. So sometimes you got to say eff it. Standing on your feet for an extra twenty minutes may mean the sink won't look anything like mine but it also means you're on your feet for another twenty minutes.
Did you see the sink full of dishes in the picture? I am sick and hoped that someone here would lend a hand.
Guess who the next morning had to do those dishes? You guessed it I did. Sometimes like I said you won't win and having to do those dishes took time away from something else. In my case I should have been lying down. Some days you get lucky and someone else will do those dishes.
Being a stay at home mom is hard. Sometimes your house will look great for weeks even months and you will go through periods where you cannot keep up. You will have periods where you feel you're winning and periods where you feel you're a terrible mother.
Sometimes you will vent and people will say oh you sound depressed. Maybe you are. Perhaps you are not but not being able to keep up up does not equate you having a problem. Shit happens. Kids make messes.
No one says this. Television and our culture has a skewed view of motherhood. Take Lynette Scavo for example she's a stay at home mom who often feels overwhelmed, cannot keep her house clean and so on. TV rarely portrays things the way they are.
That is why I love Roseanne so much she steals a moment for herself and throws out her back. She was the first tv mom that was even somewhat real. What's the point here? Being a mom is a weird job. You worry about another human beings bowel movements. You will touch their snot or barf with your bare hands. We do so many amazing things for these human beings we never give ourselves credit for. Yet the messes they make can make us feel like we suck.
Right now I have the flu so I feel like crap. Easter is in a few days I feel like I need to get it together and get up and clean. Thursday I slept for an hour and forty five minutes according to my Fitbit. After being up all night coughing someone woke me up minutes after I fell asleep and then puked on me. I do not get a break. It's part of being a parent. If you try to vent many have no sympathy.
There is little sympathy for parents specifically mothers. I often see moms being told they should have thought about this before having children. Or they will call you selfish. If a nanny or Daycare worker worked while sick people would be up in arms over it.
My point is being a parent is hard. It is even harder when you are the one who stays home and everything falls on you. Our perception of a stay at home parent is messed up. Many think we sit on our butts all day. That we do not need help. Or a break. That what we do is not work. What we are doing is the hardest job anyone can do. There are no days off. No rights or protections under law.
You do the best you can. Forget everyone else. We go through periods where the house will be messy. If that bothers you then you are justified as it is your right. However it not ok for anyone else to berate you for it. If anyone says anything about your home tell them where you keep the cleaning supplies and say you clean it then you're entitled to an opinion.
I think as a stay at home mom it is time we set people straight. Take care of your kids and yourself and forget everyone else.