The Problem With The Term Hot Mess Mom
Can we get real? How many times have you labeled someone else? Were you being dramatic or judgemental? Did you say this to the persons face, make a comment on social media to them, or judge them in person?
Even if you make judgements in silence. Do you think it is possible the other person picked up on the fact you were judging them?
When I write posts like these, I take extra care. I try hard not to be offensive or rude. I have other people read it and ask them is this offensive which in cases like this is counterproductive? My point is I am worrying about offending people. When trying to teach them their language or behavior may be offensive or insensitive.
The term hot mess mom is bullshit. Its not cute. It is not a term of endearment. It is a label that is offensive. Google hot mess mom. The articles and lists with hot mess mom traits are qualities most do not find desirable. Especially the implications of alcoholism.
Even worse, many hot mess mom traits can stem from depression or other mental health issues. The label hot mess mom needs to die out.
Last year was the worst year of my life. A lot happened. Many things were not preventable. I had no control over them. In 24 hours my husband lost his job and one of my friends from high school passed away. That is the tip of the iceberg.
When tragedy and misfortune occur in your life and there is a sense of helplessness. Now imagine if you are strong and healthy mentally. Then life shits on you. Your husband cheats on you. Or you are in a car accident and it totals your car. Then when you finally catch your breath something else happens? Like an illness or a death. How that would impact you? I bet you would lose your shit.
Imagine how it would impact you if you already had depression or anxiety? 2017 is the year where I found myself in hot mess mom territory. This is a post I’ve been planning for a month now. Racking my brain on what to say.
You need to stop calling other mothers hot messes. It's no different from calling someone fat to to their face.
For a long time hot mess was a backhanded compliment. Then somehow some people latched onto it as a term of endearment. As if it were funny.
I am what you would call a hot mess mom. If you stopped by unannounced, I would be in my pajamas with my messy bun and a messy house. What you may not see is I’m trying.
The washer, dryer, and dishwasher are running. Between making sandwiches for my kids and making important phone calls I am trying to clean my house. But since we judge people and then label them you will just see a woman in a flamingo nightgown at 3 pm and a messy house. You will make assumptions.
I’m trying to juggle working from home, kids, housework, and homeschooling. Mind you, I am doing this while trying to manage depression without medication and not by choice. I do this with little to no help because my husband works two jobs. But by looking you would not know? My husband leaves most days about 9 am and he is not home until about one am. I am pretty much on my own.
That’s the thing about the hot mess mom you don’t know what’s going on in her personal life! Someone's outward appearance can give you a glimpse of what is going on behind closed doors. Or perhaps I think it's ok to wear my PJ's and I think messy hair is cute. It is not ok to label someone based on how they look. That is rude and offensive.
It is also harmful. You are unaware of what someone thinks. A comment about the mom at drop off with the wrinkled and stained clothes could hurt. She could wear something clean but perhaps she has no help at home and is behind on laundry. Or is suffering from depression.
She was good until you came along. Getting out of bed that morning was an accomplishment. A comment on her appearance may be a slap in the face. My favorite is when a mom decides eating is more important than impressing the judgy moms.
Many attributes to the term hot mess mom are bullshit. The cliche is she does not take pride in her physical appearance. Or wears wrinkled stained clothes or goes out in jammies. Because my hair is messy, it doesn’t mean I’m a mess.
As a mom that does 2 -5 loads of laundry I don’t want to make more laundry for me to do. I’m already struggling enough as it is. If I re-wear my pajamas or stay in the same outfit all day it's because I want to do less laundry. Dressing up to run an errand is not worth me wasting the time to change my clothes.
You may have forgot not all moms get help. Or can afford nice clothing or to do extra laundry to please you. You might see my messy house and gather I’m disorganized I can’t get my shit together. What you don’t see is I have depression.
Depression is a real bitch. There are various symptoms and attributes to depression. Depression can zap your energy. Some days I get up and clean my house and do everything I’m supposed to be doing and by 5 I am wiped out.
When you have kids, they make messes. You can clean and five minutes later there can be a new mess. If a mom has a messy house, it does not mean she's a messy person or cannot get her act together.
Let me be a clear on this one because I'm trying to bring awareness to the fact we judge other moms based on how they look. Also on how clean their home is. Not one word need be said. Sometimes body language or avoiding that mother at drop off tells her enough.
The hot mess mom drinks a lot of wine sentiment is poking fun at another mental illness alcoholism. They mention every single time you see the hot mess mom list, video, or post she loves her wine. Or she owns a coffee mug that says this may have wine in it and the post shows she says it is wine. Anyone that ever cared for an alcoholic understands this is not funny. In fact, you are laughing at the fact a mom is likely drinking and driving.
You do not know her private life. Even if you are friendly. To know someone and live with them are different things.
A mom with three children and a husband that works all day may not give a fuck about what she wears.
She's living her life. She may run late. Or get stains on her shirt. She may drink 3 cups of coffee a day because her husband does not get up with the baby. Why do these make her a mess? They make her human.
We do not call dads hot mess dads or the asshole that does not get up and feed the baby. Why is mom getting the heat? Ask the husband questions instead. Ask him why she has not showered. Especially since he probably has clean clothes all the time and enjoys a daily uninterrupted shower. See how that conversation goes.
Hot mess mom traits like forgetfulness and tiredness are part of depression. For some these are symptoms of anxiety.
So the next time you want to label someone as a hot mess mom contemplate for a minute if what you’re saying is helpful? Would labeling this woman a hot mess or judging her help? Try to recall how you have treated her and if you ever made her feel bad?
I hate to break it to you when you’re the hot mess mom (a term I hate using) you realize everyone thinks it. You can sense the judgement. Whether you are struggling with depression or even if you are fine it fucking hurts.
Let's put on our big girl panties. We are all mothers and humans. Life is unpredictable.
What floats your boat may not float mine. You may take pride in your home and appearance. I may struggle to get up. My plan may be take it day by day.
I may already feel unattractive and have low self esteem. Your judgements may not be something that offends me. They may crush me.
Many of us already judge ourselves enough we need not do it to each other. So in the meantime if you cannot say anything nice shut up.